


Underpaid Mall Cop, Meet Five

by bippityboppityboom



Series: Society, Meet Five [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Five goes off, Gen, Luther's very large body, Shopping, Shopping Malls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:20:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29285925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bippityboppityboom/pseuds/bippityboppityboom
Summary: Tom had never felt so strong an urge to quit his godforsaken job. That small hellion was the last straw.(Five shops for clothes at the mall. Five has an eventful reunion with Dolores. Shenanigans ensue.)(Five is ousted from the mall.)
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, The Hargreeves Family
Series: Society, Meet Five [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2146524
Comments: 2
Kudos: 42





	1. Five tries Starbucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five goes to the mall and tries Starbucks, buys clothes from the children's section (which he is extremely unhappy about) and scares a bunch of people at Gimbel Brothers

Tom had never felt so strong an urge to quit his godforsaken job. That small hellion was the last straw.

For his whole life, Tom wanted to become a chef. Unfortunately, he had to support himself through college first to get a good job. The mall had been hiring security guards and the working hours were perfect for him, though the pay was a little less than what he was aiming to get. They only required some form of martial arts as a prerequisite for the job. Which he had, he was a green belt in karate, which was apparently good enough for them. 

But now he was regretting. So much. He buried his face in his hands as the boy shrieked about a mannequin (Dolores?) as a giant of a man pulled him away from a bald, female mannequin with a frankly concerning amount of scrapes and burns marring its smooth, plastic skin. 

*

They had decided to go to the mall to get actual, non-uniform clothes for Five to wear at school. Both Allison and Klaus wanted to give their input on what Five should buy. Five disagreed vehemently but they came anyway.

"I'm a fucking grown man of 58 years! I can handle a trip to the mall on my own!" Five seethed. 

And there they were. At the mall. Everyone. Allison was wearing a clever disguise; glasses, cap, a button-down shirt and jeans, the whole ensemble, no one suspected a thing. Everyone still stared though, maybe it was the contradiction of them standing together, Five thought. A boy in a well-dressed uniform, a small woman in men's clothes, a behemoth of a man covered up with a thick turtleneck and jacket, a vaguely famous-looking woman and Klaus. 

"I want coffee." Five demanded, stalking off to find coffee. Everyone sighed collectively. 

"I'll follow him, we'll meet back here in twenty minutes." Vanya quickly went after Five. 

Vanya caught up to him, matching her strides with his. They then reached a nearby Starbucks. The shop was bustling, workers in professional aprons hurrying to take and make orders. A cacophony of sounds rang from the small shop. People talking, laughing, shouting names, keyboards clacking, Five rushed to take it all in, becoming overwhelmed by all the stimulation. 

"Hey Five, take a seat, I'll help you order." Vanya reassured when she noticed Five's slack face and tense posture as he robotically scanned the shop for threats. 

He found a squishy seat and sat in it, revelling in its softness. Soon enough, Vanya came back and both the socially-stunted siblings sat in awkward silence. Vanya's name was called shortly and she went to collect their orders. 

"Here Five, I got you a caramel macchiato. I know you usually get black coffee but it's about time to try something new." Vanya passed a clear plastic cup full of cold, light brown coffee topped with swirls of whipped cream drizzled with caramel to Five. He eyed the garish monstrousity warily, as if it was about to explode. He shoved a straw in and took a cautious sip. 

"This is a poor excuse of coffee, it barely has caffeine in it," Five criticised. However, he continued to sip at it periodically. 

Vanya cheered internally. She knew he would like it. 

They met back with each other and went to Gimbel Brothers, the mall's department store. Vanya offered to accompany Five while the others also looked for suitable clothes for Five. They all went straight to the children's section department store, Five glaring after them. Vanya continued hovering over Five. Five insisted on going to the mens' section.

"The sizes of these clothes are too large to fit my prepubescent body, this is an outrage!" Five held up the smallest men-size shirt to his narrow chest and aggressively stacked it back onto the pile. 

A poor sales worker near them had a silent conundrum about whether to help the weird boy in a school uniform (on a weekday?) or stay out of his way. He hesitantly approached the pair.

"Hey, I uh-" The sales worker twitched anxiously as the cold gaze of the boy fell upon him. "I suggest you go to the children's section, there are probably clothes that will fit you better there." 

Five frowned and looked to Vanya with a disbelieving look. "Thanks, we'll go there right now," Vanya placed a hand on his shoulder and walked towards the children's section. 

Five sighed disappointedly. They joined the rest and Five surveyed the clothes that the others had picked out for him. They admittedly did fit him better and they picked options that surprisingly, weren't too childish. They got an assortment of hoodies, t-shirts, jeans, slacks and button-downs, some of which came in unavoidably bright colours. (Klaus threw a baby shirt at Five's face. Five promised revenge.)

After they paid for the clothes using Allison's seemingly unlimited stash of money, Five was suddenly uncharacteristically shy, asking in a quiet voice, "Can we go and visit Delores? She's in the women's section." 

As the clothes around them turned gaudier and distinctively more female, Five noticed a flurry of people in uniforms moving something at the spot where he left Dolores. It was Dolores.

Five barrelled towards them with an unhinged look in his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Criticism is also highly appreciated.


	2. Five mourns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five tries to get Dolores back. Tom, the security guard, may or may not have pissed his pants.

"Holy shit!" A plump saleswoman exclaimed as she saw Five charging towards her like a demented bull. 

Five witnessed the horrific scene of a large uniformed lady chucking Dolores uncaringly onto a filthy metal trolley meant for holding cargo, which she was currently wheeling away. 

"No!" Five yelled, grabbing the trolley frantically and scrambling to get Dolores. "Dolores! What did they do to you!" Dolores had an extra couple dents where she was thrown onto the unyielding steel trolley. 

*

After a while of Five nodding and replying to the mannequin, which was unsurprisingly quiet to anyone watching, (which was a shit ton as everyone was pretty curious about the random yelling boy) Five whirled around furiously to face the woman who was about to throw her away. 

"She's the only friend I've ever known in those cold, harsh, lonely forty years! How dare you decide to throw her away! She didn't suffer this long just to be disposed of like trash, she was the only support I've ever had-" Five babbled on angrily to the justifiably confused lady. His family was at a loss. They didn't know whether to hold Five back or comfort Five about the inevitable fate of the irreversibly damaged mannequin. 

"I'm sorry but it's procedure. In fact, we have no idea where this mannequin came from, it just came out of nowhere, and in bad condition may I add. We have no choice but to dispose of it." The lady calmly explained, as she hoped that Five wouldn't cause more of a fuss. 

"Can't you just give it to him if he wants it so much?" A random guy in the swarm of people watching called out.

"It technically belongs to our company," the saleswoman said, gesturing to a brand 'Gimbel Brothers' written on its shoulder, "We can't give this away as if it falls into unsavoury characters' hands, our company is responsible for it, for example, it gets vandalised with crude drawings and then its posted on a social media platform, our company will get sued for people who are angry about it. It's just protocol to dispose of it properly." 

At that moment, a security guard came and asked the saleswoman if she needed anyone to be escorted out.

"No it's ok actually, it's been resol-" Five took the chance to grab Dolores and booked it. 

"Hey! Get back here!" Tom, the security guard, started to chase him but Diego dashed past him and after Five, with Luther, despite his bulk, not far behind. Diego grabbed Five and pried Dolores out of his death grip. Luther pulled Five in the opposite direction.

"NO! DOLORES! HAND HER BACK YOU MISCREANT! DOLORES!" Five cried as he was being separated from his longtime friend, slumping to the ground in defeat as his brothers' superior strength ultimately bested him.

Diego, unaffected by the plight of his brother, returned Dolores' even more manhandled body to the saleswoman, "Heh, sorry for the trouble he's caused, he's fine now, you go do what you must," he said.

Five continued making a scene, barreling towards the saleswoman again, hollering an ear-piercing battle cry. Luther blocked Five's attempt with his body. Five collided into it with an "oomph", his breath expelled from his lungs, bouncing off his ample bosom and landing with a thud on the hard floor. 

Everyone looked on in horrified awe as Five stood up again and tried to sidestep Luther's humongous body with an invigorated shout. Luther catches Five and swings him into his large arms. 

"Alright that's enough of that," Luther sighed as Five struggled and jabbed his bony elbows into his chest, "I preferred it when you were drunk and unconscious."

*

The faces of people close by turned increasingly concerned. Tom's boss, the head of security arrived. The hoard of people made way for him as he pushed his way past them. Tom's boss was a fierce, demanding and severe man, despite his slightly rotund exterior, taking any opportunity to lord his authority over Tom. 

"Boy, since you've been here the whole time, what do you think should happen," The head of security turned to face his beady, sharp eyes at Tom. Tom gulped.

"Umm, maybe ban this boy for two months since he was disrupting other shoppers but technically didn't do any damage," His intonation made his statement seem like more of a sentence. "Hmm, that's fair." He internally heaved a sigh of relief. 

The boy turned in the exceedingly huge man's arms to give him the most threatening stink eye Tom has ever witnessed in his 20 years of life. 

Tom whimpered, traumatised, that day etched forever into Tom's mind. 

'Please never let me be in proximity with that creepy boy ever again.' Tom thought to himself.

*

"So, that was eventful," Klaus commented lightly as they were all squished into Diego's car, travelling back to the manor. The siblings gave various grunts of agreement as Five glared at the back of Diego's seat, silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably was too mean about Luther's size but eh. Also probably too many people were interested in what Five was doing.
> 
> Pls comment on how I can improve, esp this chapter, I feel like it wasnt written as well as it could've been.


End file.
